


Self Loathing

by blklightpixie26



Category: The Great Library Series - Rachel Caine
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-08-14 03:16:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20185351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blklightpixie26/pseuds/blklightpixie26
Summary: A year after the incident at Brightwell Castle, Jess still has issues with his part in what happened. Though his friends have forgiven him for the most part, there are two he is unsure of. One of which stated he would have done the same thing if he had been in that position. The other made sure to tell him in no uncertain words, he would never be forgiven, and his actions stated that he wasn't trusted any longer. It was those words and actions which echoed in his mind every day. Can the two people Jess isn't sure of fix the growing self hatred that is dragging him down?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Two things got me writing this: a discussion which was about writing what you feel comfortable with and not feeling pressured to write something because someone else wrote it or was asking for it to be written. It became something which I would not let out of my mind the whole time. I tend to think of myself as many things, but a smut writer is not one. After writing this I still don't think of myself as a smut writer, but I am finding might surprise myself someday. The second thing is a few passages in Smoke and Iron Chapter 27 including Santi's anger at Jess and Wolfe's acknowledgement that he understood (even if he didn't like it)
> 
> I am guessing at Jess' age is 17, but I still headcanon Wolfe and Santi in their early 30's.

The night before he had spent most of the night wrapped around Chris whispering words of promise that he would wake up in their bed the next morning. Now as morning dawned on the one year anniversary of the day Chris was sent to the Library by Jess and Dario, Santi watched the front door to Jess’ apartment. He had seen the change and knew something would be happening, it was just a matter of time. When he came out, Santi followed him finding that instead of the morning run with Santi’s unit as normal, Jess headed towards a much more difficult trail. 

“Still following the Garda training.” Santi observed after a little over a mile. 

Jess’ silence shook him slightly. The only change was a left into more rugged terrain. When they hit three miles, Nic knew there were problems. “Brightwell?"

The run became faster and harder. Nic reached out grabbing Jess forcing him to stop. “Jess.”

Emptiness in Brightwell’s Eyes made his blood run cold, but the self loathing that filled the younger man’s voice made his stomach clench. “You’d shouldn’t be here, Sir. Scholar Wolfe needs you.”

“ _ He’s bottled it up, Nic. One day he won’t be able to hold it together anymore, and we will be the only ones to truly understand his plight.”  _ Chris’ voice rang through Santi’s mind and the High Garda Captain sensed that today would be that day. 

“Chris is fine. He is more worried over you.” Santi replied moving closer. “Jess,”

“I’m fine, Sir.”

Nic’s hand reached up gently holding Jess’ face in his hands. “Whatever is going on in your mind, it’s not true.”

Jess flinched and looked away refusing to eye contact. “It is true because I lived it. I lived it for weeks.” he moved away and started running again.

Santi’s mind went over everything that happened since he had met the young man. The more he thought about it the more he realized that Jess was living alone and there was nobody keeping the nightmares and memories away. After he had gotten them both back, his own words and actions of anger and fear for Chris in Jess’ room ran through his mind. “Damn it, Brightwell!” 

It was a fact that Jess was a runner in more ways than one. Wolfe had made it known one night that he had found out about the younger man’s family affiliation with the smugglers and Jess’ position as a book runner. Neither of them had the knowledge Jess would run physically and mentally though.

The moment he finally caught up with the younger man, Nic wrapped his arm around Jess’ stomach pulling him in tightly. “Stop.” his voice had a small amount of authority in it. “Smettere di correre il mio leoncino.”

“You were right!”

Nic moved in front of him not letting go. Chris had told him that one day his words would get him into a bad spot, but he was never prepared for it to be brought up. “No, I wasn’t right. Everything went to hell and I wasn’t able to do anything. My lover, my life partner, was sent back to a hell hole that haunts my nightmares much less his. You were out of my grasp and I didn’t know how badly it could go for you either. Do you have any idea how much of a mind fuck that is? I had weeks where I didn’t know if I would get either of you back and if I did what condition it would be in.”

“It’s my fault. My fault that it all happened and Wolfe got hurt.”

Nic closed his eyes for a moment before opening them. He took a deep breath and let it out before adopting as much of this Garda training as he could. “Follow me.”

Jess shook his head not wanting to be anywhere near the city which had held him captive, which had held Wolfe captive for so long. “No.”

“I will carry you back if I have to. Don’t make me do it.” Santi commanded though he saw the fear in Jess’ eyes and softened his voice though still keeping it firm. “We are returning to my home.”

“Sir,”

“Santi, Niccolo, Nic. You of all people do not have to call me Sir.” he replied taking Jess’ hand “I want to show you something. If you wish to run afterwards, I won’t stop you however I will still search for you.”

Though every instinct told him to get away and run, Jess nodded and followed the other man back to the house. He had no idea if anyone else was looking for him and the idea of seeing them, especially Christopher Wolfe, was too much. Having Santi with him was becoming overwhelming considering how close they were getting to the time frame. 

Once back at the house, Nic got out the bottle of Grappathat he kept hidden for special occasions and two glasses. He poured a measure into each glass then handed it to Jess. “Drink.”

The slightly caramel flavoured liquor went down easily, and Jess didn’t let it sit in the glass long. A second measure was poured and once again disappeared just as quickly. By the third pouring, Jess began to feel the alcohol loosen his tongue. 

“Why did you bring me here? I could have disappeared and no one would be the wiser.”

“We would miss you.” Nic replied putting his glass down then taking the one from Jess. “Il Mio leoncino.”

“You keep calling me that.” Jess said confused.

The Captain reached out cupping Jess’ cheek careful to keep things from completely spooking the young man. “My little lion.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.” Santi replied moving closer. “You have no idea how strong you are. You’re courage.”

Jess turned his head away so as to not look at him. “There is no strength or courage in the things I have done.”

Santi leaned in trapping Jess against a wall. “You rebelled against the Library. You got medical attention for me when I was injured in Philadelphia. You kept Chris’ sanity when I couldn’t.” His left hand held Jess’ face gently while his right rested against Jess’ side. “My little lion.” 

“Sir,”

Nic moved quickly covering Jess’ mouth with his own refusing to allow the protests. He tasted the caramel and various herbs from the liquor, but also something completely unique to the young man in his grasp. Jess’ body had tensed for a moment unsure what to make of the situation, but then opened his mouth in acceptance. 

“We shouldn’t.” Jess said breathless and quiet as Santi’s forehead rested against his. “You are practically married and I know he doesn’t share.”

“You allow me to worry over my lover.” Santi replied then lifted him off the floor. He teased Jess’ neck as the younger man wrapped his legs around the firm body. “I am going to ask you this once. Are you a willing participant?”

The words sobered Jess enough to pull away. “I need out. I need away from here. From everyone who I hurt. You don’t, you don’t trust me.”

Santi shook his head. “If I let you go, you will do something stupid. I won’t do anything you don’t want Jess, but perhaps you need to be shown.” He nipped at Jess’ bottom lip as his other hand rested on the young man’s hip caressing it gently. “Do you want this?”

“Yes.” Jess whispered, though his heart was breaking.

Slowly Nic stripped them both placing kisses over exposed skin. He worshipped the body under him until Jess begged for more. A faint scent of almond came as Nic slowly and carefully opened his young lover. The moment that he settled against the thin body, Santi let out a soft sound of amazement. He knew that he could have taken more time, considering how tight Jess still was around him, but he knew that he couldn’t let this go. 

He moved a few time each one adding a bit more of the oil until he glided in without concern. With each movement, he watched the walls that Jess was hiding behind start to crumble. The High Garda Captain had no idea just how many the young man placed between himself and the world, but he was a patient man and would wait it out.

In the shadows, Chris silently watched his lover slowly thrusting into Jess whispering promises in Italian that he knew all too well from the times Nic tried to put him back together. 

“I’m sorry.” Jess kept repeating his mind overwhelmed.

Nic kissed the tear tracks whispering everything that he knew put Chris back together realizing just how much Jess carried on the inside. “I forgive you, my little lion.”

As Jess rested on his chest dozing, Santi knew there would be a much harder talk about everything, past and present, but for now he just wanted to bask in weight of the body against him and the knowledge that his young lover was a very willing participant for himself and possibly Chris.

“Is he all right?”

Santi nodded reaching out for his other lover. “You were right. He’s bottled too much up.”

Chris settled against Santi’s side his hand rubbing circles between Jess’ shoulder blades. “It might never be over for him.”

Santi placed a kiss on the soft hair of his newest lover. “As long as I have both of you, we will do this as many times as we have to, in order to show him he doesn’t need to run.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris' turn to get Jess

It was an unusually warm night and the humidity seems to cling to Jess’ bare skin, though the other occupants of the room looked unbothered. Carefully he slipped out of the bed and went for a cool shower. The dream which had originally woken him was still fresh in his mind. If Jess was honest with himself, it never truly left his mind. It was merely pushed back allowing other things to be more important for a time.

  
Even clean of the sweat from the dream, the room was stifling. Jess slipped into a clean pair of lightweight pants and a pair of slippers before leaving the bedroom. Once in the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of wine and headed out the back door to sit in the back courtyard.

  
Nic listened for the sound of the water shutting off and frowned at the scuff of slippers that followed. He turned his head to catch Jess' shadow as it skirted the edge of the room and darted out of sight. He knew that someone would have to check on Jess.

  
“He left, didn’t he?” Chris’ voice was tinge with sleepiness, but it was obvious that he hadn’t truly been sleeping like Nic thought.

  
“I’ll go get him.” Santi placed a kiss on Wolfe’s shoulder. “I’ll turn the fan on higher too. It still hasn’t cooled off much in here.”

  
Wolfe stretched before sitting up and getting his slippers on. “You sleep, it’s my turn.”

  
“You have meetings in the morning, Chris.”

  
The Scholar raised an eyebrow, though in the dark it did not have the desired effect. “Should I remind you that not only do you have meetings tomorrow, but training exercises to command over. Beside the fact that you, my love, went after him last time.”

  
Santi raised his hands in surrender. “Call if you need me.” he reached out pushing the button to raise the speed of the ceiling fan then laid back down. “If you are thinking about bringing him hot cocoa, there isn’t anymore left.”

  
“I will not ask why that many containers of chocolate have disappeared.” Chris replied before heading into the kitchen.

  
As hot as it was, Chris made a small pot of coffee. He poured two cups, fixing them with milk and sugar, then walked outside. He smiled a little at the sight of Jess sitting by the waterfall, the empty glass dangling from his fingers. Placing his own mug on a low table, Chris took the glass from Jess and offered him the coffee.  
“I think this might help a little more.”

  
Jess wrapped his hands around the mug and sipped carefully, his eyes closing in bliss. “I don’t know who makes better coffee, you or Nic.”

  
Chris settled in his own chair content to watch him. “Nic. He’s usually the one that is awake first, so he has had more practice. It will go to his head if he knew it though.”

  
Jess laughed softly resting his head against the back of the chair. “I have heard the mumbles from him about Scholars and their lazy mornings.”

  
“He has had his share of being lazy or as lazy as one can be with their lover in bed with them.” Chris gazed around the courtyard then up at the sky. He found that this was one night that he wished to be able to see the stars better. “Speaking of lovers and beds, you are out of ours at an undesirable hour.”

  
The light from the area outside the wall partially lit Jess’ face which quickly turned downward and away. “The heat is stifling and I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t mean to wake anyone.”

  
“A cool shower?” he tried though he knew the results all ready.

  
“Nothing seemed to help.”

  
Chris sighed reaching out and brushing his fingertips over Jess’ arm. “It’s been hard these last few days. Knowing what started as uncertainty two years ago and trying to reconcile it with the fact that we succeeded.”

  
“How can you be so calm about it?” Jess asked his voice having taken on some strain.

  
“The same way it keeps you running from us.” Wolfe replied taking the mug before Jess spilled it on himself.

  
Jess bit his lip “I’m not running.” he exhaled heavily. “The past, my decisions. It’s all so stifling at times and I’ve found it easier to deal with here. Keep it from turning the household toxic.”

  
“I spent many hours trying to find the right way to deal with all of the events which happened to me. It caused a large number of arguments between Nic and myself because I didn’t want to burden him with those issues.” Wolfe observed him for a moment. “Eventually I found that dealing with it in his arms was easier than dealing with it alone.”

  
“I. We. You.” his breath hitched as his hand shook.

  
Chris moved out of his chair and knelt in front of his lover. He knew how important it was that Jess could speak about that time, but at the same time Wolfe wanted to promise he never had to speak of it again. “Breathe, my love. The only power it has to hurt us is the power we give it.”

  
A tear glistened as it slid down Jess’ cheek slowly followed by more. He turned his head towards the sky in an effort to mask his emotions until gentle fingers glided along his cheek wiping the tears away. His breath caught again, but this time his body trembled despite his best efforts to stop it. “It never stops ripping open. The memory of those events are always right there ready to take over.”

  
Chris gently lifted Jess into his arms before sitting in the chair with him. “I know, Love. I know.” he wished more could be said, but as a victim himself he knew that nothing would change the pain.

  
While Jess silently sobbed against him, Wolfe ached for him. The Library might not have broken Jess in the dungeons they had him, but the results were close enough. Choices were made, some good and some bad, but it had to be done. Now all Chris could do was hold his lover close and let him release the pain which had been bottled up.

  
Long after what was left of the coffee in the mugs went cold, Wolfe carded his fingers through the dark locks. The arrival of twilight would be soon and his back would protest all day, but he let Jess sleep. His eyes darted to the door as it opened. “All is well.”

  
Santi let out a quiet sound before sitting in the chair closest to them. “At least he didn’t go far this time.”

  
“He doesn’t want this in our home.” Chris tried to explain though he wasn’t sure that he actually could. “Jess think that if he verbalizes his issues in our home that he will make it toxic.”

  
“Not talking about it will be worse.”

  
Chris winced as he shrugged. “I cannot give you logic to his thought only what he has said to me tonight.”

  
Nic got up and leaned in kissing Chris. “I knew what I was getting into the first time with you when logic was not part of the equation. This one is no different and we will talk about this after all of us get some sleep.” Gently he lifted Jess into his arms and waiting until Chris was able to stand because of the stiffness. “Both of you will not be going anywhere today.”

  
“Planning something without my knowledge?”

  
Santi led him into their bedroom which had cooled off since turning the fan on as high as he could. “You and I are going to figure out how to absolve him of this guilt, if it’s the last thing I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Translations done by google translate
> 
> Smettere di correre il mio leoncino - Stop running my little lion
> 
> Mio leoncino - my little lion


End file.
